Global Warming! Let's Do Something!

It’s been a brutal winter for Kenny and I. As hard as we tried to escape the cold, frigid San Francisco weather, roadblock after roadblock impeded our efforts. We first planned a trip to Ixtapa, Mexico but Kenny suddenly developed a phobia of refried beans so that was out. Then we planned a trip to the British Virgin Islands but our trip coincided with a planned reunion concert with Linda Perry and 4 Non Blondes so that was definitely out! Things were in dire straits for us. “Whatever happened to this “Global Warming” thing that was supposed to happen?” I asked. Wasn’t the average temperature on Earth supposed to have risen at least five to eight degrees in the early 2000’s? Obviously scientists were dead wrong considering how cold of a March and April most areas were seeing. Something needed to be done and quick.

The idea came to me one icey night as Kenny and I sat in my 2.5 million dollar penthouse on Nob Hill drinking Irish Coffee without the coffee. The heat was cranked up to 98, all the lights were on for additional warmth, the oven was on and open and we had fans blowing throughout the penthouse for additional warm air circulation. In a flash, I came up with a brilliant idea to help speed up “global warming” and bring everyone some much-needed relief from the cold miserable winters.

Our first stop was this crazy place we’d heard about called “Copscos” or something like that. It was this gigantic warehouse place full of rather large woman in multi-colored oversized dresses and overly pushy Filipinos pushing around these odd-looking HUGE shopping trolleys. Kenny started to have an anxiety attack when he realized that Copscos didn’t have a bar but soon enough we found a liquor isle full of cases and cases of every kind of alcoholic product one could ever dream of. No one seemed to mind when we cracked open a gallon bottle of Stoli and drank from the bottle. Much better! Now we could continue to shop.

We purchased twenty-five cases of extra hold aerosol hairspray, thirty-five cases of various aerosol deodorants, seventeen cases of canned whipped cream, and twelve refrigerators fully loaded with freeon. With that, we found a nice (but somewhat stinky and sweaty) Mexican chap who gladly delivered our purchases to my penthouse roof for a mere package of tortillas. As usual with Kenny and I, things seemed to be falling right into place.

After our Mexican friend carried the both of us and our products up to my rooftop, Kenny and I started gleefully spraying deodorant and hairspray into the air. We took a knife and joyfully hacked the refrigerator’s open and listened in awe to the hissing sound of the escaping freeon. To further empower ourselves, we both mentally visualized the hole in the ozone layer getting bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger. We immediately started to feel warmer. I suddenly had a moment of doubt. “Will our rooftop efforts be enough, Kenny?” I asked.

No sooner had I said that when our dear, dear friend Muffie Vanderfield suddenly appeared. We had invited her to our ozone party and as usual she was late, but at least she came bearing gifts. Muffie had an impish look in her eye as she handed us each an envelope and a large box. What could this be?

We tore the envelopes open and were a little confused to see plane tickets to Fairbanks, Alaska. How strange! But after opening the large boxes, we squealed with joy. Muff had given us two industrial strength blowtorches! Now we understood. The three of us were going to fly to Alaska, blowtorch in hand and find the nearest glacier and melt the damn thing. Brilliant! Melting a large Alaskan glacier would greatly help in our “global warming” acceleration.

It’s so nice to feel empowered. Muffie, Kenny, and myself finished our little spray party and congratulated each other on our efforts and started making our Alaskan plans. With any luck, the world will be a much warmer and comfortable place soon enough! So get your shorts and bathing suits ready, people!